Oh man, difficult subject! I have a slightly contradicting stance when it comes to family. I believe that family is a fluid concept. You have what you are born with, and you have what you acquire / retain over time. Ie: biology is not the only factor in what makes up a family. Mine happens to be biological for the most part, but the whole point of this site is that one size does not fit all.

I feel like family gets more leeway than the general public… usually. They are my tenuous connection in a universe of strangers, it’s good to know they are out there. I have yet to be in a position to go out of my way to support family in the way some of them have done for me. I hope that one day I can.

That said, I am not in favour of giving family a free pass on anything they do. I strongly believe that the privilege of being accepted on the basis of family can be revoked. Why? I think that’s up to each person to decide… but abusive / toxic behaviour is on my list of factors. If someone is hurting you, they don’t get to continue doing so because they have some familial immunity. I don’t think that’s right.

My family is not all good or all bad. It is a blend of people with whom I am connected (or disconnected) and we all have our own qualities and quirks. My struggle with socializing has made me quite reclusive and it is difficult to know what to do about it. I have a very poor sense of what is appropriate in terms of making contact. Who should I contact regularly? How often? For how long? How do I speak to them? What do I ask? What do I share? Are there people who want to hear from me? Are there people who don’t?

As you might guess, I tend to freeze up about this issue. I often come to the conclusion that my family is not obliged to deal with me, and trying to renew bonds is not likely to be something they are interested in, or even think about. This is not really sound logic, but more a product of my mental soup. Depression and low self-esteem can often make it feel like it’s best for everyone if I just stay out of the way. Even with this awareness, I have to admit that working on the issue is not often at the top of my priorities.

Sometimes it bothers me and I feel guilty about being a deadbeat in the family. What I try to remember is that analogy of the oxygen mask. I forget where it comes from, but I’ve heard it used in the context of mental health. If you’ve travelled anywhere by plane you know that the flight attendant will tell you to properly secure your own oxygen mask first, before assisting anyone else.

It feels a little selfish, but I can also see the sense to it. In my case, I am still struggling. I am still not taking proper care of myself. If I can’t maintain that basic threshold, is it really so selfish to try and work on that first? Maybe when my own mask is secure, I can pull up some of the priorities I have been neglecting. I need to be able to breathe. I also understand that my family needs to do the same. Many of them need to breathe easier before they can have a wider circle themselves.

It’s a really tricky thing to reconcile. On the one hand, you care about making things better for other people. On the other, you have to think about your own needs. I try to remember how I feel about the situation from my side. I don’t want someone to burn out, to break down because they were trying to help me. I believe that if someone really cares, they aren’t going to expect that from me either. This is why professionals exist, isn’t it? Those people who are prepared to help, that have been trained and possess internal resources to do so.

Now considering that there are professionals out there, that there are people who are in a position to help even though they are strangers, that family isn’t the only place to turn… I have to say it makes me even more thankful to have relatives that help me. Not only that they do, but that they want to.

So thank you to the family that supports me. I appreciate everything you do.

Thank you Bob.
Thank you Susan.
Thank you Mike.
Thank you Charlie.
Thank you Stephanie.

And to all the family that would like to be closer: I won’t bite, and I’m glad you’ve thought of me.